Tuesday, April 7, 2015
The Final Chapter Continued Some More
It’s been a difficult day thinking of Maddy. Things seem to come in waves these days. There are good moments and bad moments. Today had many good moments. Email’s and messages from amazing listeners who hear me break up about Maddy every time I pray on air. It never stops amazing me that so many people reach out to me with encouraging words and tell me that my struggle encourages them.
But there are many bad moments too. It seems as if I have gone through all the stages of grief at this point. I just keep cycling through them over and over again. Here is the wiki link in case you are unfamiliar. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model. Today was a big denial day. Sometimes I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she is gone. It seems like she is just away at a friends house and she will call or text any minute. I find myself hoping to get a text message or see a Facebook post even though I’m sitting less than 10 feet from her ashes. At one point today I suddenly realized I will never hear her call me daddy again. In that moment my heart shattered all over again! Of course that kind of thought takes me right to the anger stage. How can this be?!?
Another crazy thought I had today was that I didn’t do enough to help her live better and longer. I know that is not true because I did everything physically possible to give her the best life and chance at survival that I could. But in the end it was not enough so what the hell?!? Like I said, I know it’s crazy and untrue but the thought came anyway. There is no stopping the thoughts. I will not numb myself with alcohol. I will not run away from my family, life and job. I will not give up and stop living. So the thoughts continue. I think one of the only ways to get them out is to write about them here. Maybe thats why I’m at it again. Maybe after writing this, tonight I will actually sleep.
That's another thing. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and when I do I’m suddenly transported back to Maddy’s last few minutes. It’s not a dream. It’s like I am physically there. Sometimes it’s me talking to her before she died. Sometimes it’s me whaling over my poor dear daughters lifeless body. But no matter what time I’m transported to, it is always the same crappy outcome.
Yet with all of this going on I still see God at work in my life. I know it may sound crazy but I know he is there watching over me and carrying me through this. The afore mentioned email’s and messages are one sign. The love I am receiving from friends, family and co-workers is another. Even when I’m sitting alone in my new apartment I can feel His presence. Honestly it’s not always comforting. But it’s there and that is enough. A good friend of mine asked me a little while ago if I prayed when I get sad thinking about Maddy. My answer will be my public service announcement for this little blog entry…
Many years ago I found myself fighting with my inner dialogue. You know what I’m talking about, that little voice inside your head that sometimes tells you things like “you can do it” or “you’re not good enough” or “hey climbing the outside of that building to the third floor is a dumb idea”. Sometimes it’s good to listen to your inner dialogue. But when it starts to get self destructive and self loathing it becomes a problem. Thats the issue I was having with mine. Too many "your not good enough’s". I can't credit where the idea came from but it was suggested to me at the time that I turn that inner dialogue into prayer. Instead of telling myself things I should direct all those thoughts throughout the day to God. And I haven’t stopped yet. It’s good habit to get into and I would highly recommend it to everyone. Oh, and now that I have my personal angel in heaven dying Jesus’ hair I turn much of my inner dialogue toward Maddy. It’s weird how I began speaking to her in my head the minute she left this earth. Again it does not always give me comfort but thats ok too.
Until next time.